Well you know how I mentioned in the post earlier that I had gotten first place for my LO entry in the journalling section of the Royal Adelaide Show...
I was a little shocked when I arrived at the show and couldn't find it at first.. it wasn't anywhere I could see it at all on display with the scrapbooking. I became quite upset and ALMOST went to find someone from admin to find it. Okay.. may seem a little extreme I know.. it is only a scrapbooking LO some of you may say.. But that is only half right. This is a very special layout to me and was extremely hard to do.
So.. the exciting news about this layout and why it wasn't where it was suppose to be... I got BEST OF SHOW FOR SCRAPBOOKING for it !!! Huge shock.. wasn't sure how it would be received due to the journalling and all. It was displayed in a separate cabinet with all the other best of show items. I am so excited.
Here's why... here's what the journalling reads...warning you again... MAY CAUSE TEARS..
It has taken me this long to be able to scrap about my first child. It may seem like a strange thing that is takes this long to finally be able to get around to doing this, but I don’t feel that I have been in the right place to be able to write this until now.
Finding out I was pregnant was certainly not what I had expected to find out when I went the doctor. I was 21 years old, engaged and working at a busy job in the hospitality industry. Life seemed perfect. I lead a busy work and social life, which left little time for anything else. I had been unwell for quite a while and went to the doctors to find out what was going on. That’s when my world was turned upside down.
Finding out I was pregnant was a huge surprise. I had problems with my cycle and had no signs or symptoms of pregnancy for me to suspect anything. (Though realistically now when I look back I was so busy then that I didn’t notice quite a few things happening in my life then) I was told that I was 4 months gone and I was losing amniotic fluid. After scans I was told all would be okay. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish that that would have been true. I am sure that if we could all turn back the clock we would change something along the way.
Well I was determined that having this baby wasn’t going to change my life and the way that I had planned things. Boy was I wrong! I had planned to go back to work straight after having the baby and life would go on as normal. Plans continued for my big lavish wedding and my parents came up from Adelaide to visit me in Cairns. We told them the news when they arrived and we were all excited. Life went on as normal. Working in the hospitality industry I worked long hours on my feet. I worked from 10am till about 1am the next morning some nights. I was still losing amniotic fluid, but being very naïve and believing that all was well, thought nothing of having daily losses of large quantities of fluid. One particular night I came home from work and felt a little off. It was about 12 midnight, when I came out of the toilet to ask our female boarder if it was normal to loose blood during a pregnancy. She said “no” and we headed to the emergency department of local hospital. Our families were called and we waited at the hospital to find out what was going on. After much discussions between the doctors, scans and checks it was decided I would be flown down to Townsville Women’s Hospital for specialist care by the Royal Flying doctors immediately. I knew in my heart then that things were not okay or normal in any way. Scans showed so little because there was so little fluid. The feeling of being in the Townsville hospital seemed so unreal. I remember the feeling of it all like it was just yesterday. My parents came down to Townsville and stayed with me. Without them I would have been very alone and I needed someone desperately. I think I knew then that my fiancé wasn’t going to be there for me but as they say love is blind. The counselors at the hospital were amazing. It was never said by either them or the doctors there that my baby wouldn’t make it. Though I knew deep down inside that things in my world would never be as I hoped. I think that for the week that I was there that life seemed to just float around me like I had my head in the clouds. It all seemed so unreal.
I remember the day that I went into labor so well. Almost like it was yesterday. I know the day was cool and I was wearing a flannel nightie I had been uncomfortable all day though didn’t think anything of it. My parents had visited all day despite the fact that my father had been quite ill. They had brought me in some caramel ice cream as a treat to cheer me up. My mum says that she remembers when she got back to their motel room that she knew something was up and laid her clothes out for the next day incase. I know that it was busy in the labor ward that night. Both the birthing rooms were full and I had to wait in a side cubicle when they brought me up from my room. They kept asking if there was anyone I wanted them to call and knowing my Dad was ill I said no. From that minute on things floated past me so fast. Before I knew it my son was in the world at 1.52am on the 24th of July 1996. But instead of feeling joy and happiness I was scared and alone. No matter what had been done to stop him from coming into this world he arrived at 27 and half weeks. I didn’t get a chance to see him at all as he was whisked off to the neonatal ward. The next thing I knew I was showering and being taken back to my room.
When my parents arrived after he had been born I still hadn’t seen him. I was so scared to see him. I didn’t want to get attached, as I knew that he was not good. I guess I thought if I didn’t see him it wouldn’t affect me. I was given photos of my son and it was quite scary to see all the tubes that he was attached to. He was so small and all I wanted to do was protect him. I went down with my Mum to see my son for the first time. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Not being able to make him feel better and hold him hurt. I also knew from what the doctors said that he wasn’t good but seemed to be fighting. My fiancé finally arrived at 12 noon just as my parents were going to leave to get some lunch. Mum came back before we got a chance to head to the nursery to tell us to get down there as the doctor had said our son had taken a turn for the worst. We organized to have him baptized by the hospital’s priest. After discussions with the doctors the decision was made to turn off the machines. Our son was sedated to make him comfortable, dressed beautifully and given to us to hold while he passed away.
I have many pictures of my beautiful son, thanks to the lovely team at the Townsville hospital. They made this time for me bearable. They understood how I felt and exactly what I needed. The time that I was able to spend with my son while he passed away was very special. I will never forget how peaceful he looked, how soft his skin was and how tiny he felt in my arms.
They say that time heals wounds. I believe that time makes it possible to be able to feel better. Nothing will ever replace my first born, nor should anything replace him. Things do happen for a reason though at the time we may not understand why, in time we will. I have been blessed now to have 4 happy and healthy children and a wonderful new husband who have also changed my life forever just like my first-born.
For my angel in heaven, Jerem Steven.
Okay.. if you made it this far without a box of tissues and I haven't bored you to death with my life story... that was why that layout was so important to me. It took me a box and half of tissues to write it.. but I felt sooo much better after having finally done it... long time coming.
Okay.. back to the real world now.. other work to get done before heading up to finish off crop kits.
Cheers and TFL, M x